2018

Has probably been the toughest year yet of my life. 2 words. Pre-reg (ok technically 1 word). The stress of not knowing how to do the job, feelings of inadequacy. Anxiety about every little thing. Not feeling prepared/ on top of assessments. I wonder now if those were really the things that caused me my breakdown at the time, or whether they are just things i thought caused problems. The anxiety, at its peak, made going through even a day difficult, it was like life was lived hour by hour? At times I felt jealous of my landlady's cat sleeping like the cat in the photo above (like, so carefree?!) I know I make it sound so bad and people have it worse than me.

Anyway, I want to focus on things to be thankful to God for during this time. Family. Difficult times do bring people together. Parents and the siblings would send me a message, care for me and encourage me (though a thousand miles away. ok, 6572 miles away). Friends who prayed for me or took time to listen. Church family i.e. Geoff and Linda K, small group, pastors, who knew about my struggle and really really demonstrated the love of Christ to me. The Ks especially were always thinking about me, praying for me, never being hard but always gentle in their words. Sally who saw stress literally on my face and also cared for me beyond her landlady responsibilities, taking me out on a day trip to Eastbourne one day to help me get my mind off things (I don't think it worked but that's besides the point). Directors and colleagues who also encouraged me and gave my support.

Father, thank you for your blessings! You manifest yourself through all these people when I struggle to know that You are near. Difficulties also drive us to our knees. I am most desperate for You when tough times hit. I guess the cliche is that You allow bad things to happen for a reason. You know what is best for us- You. I must say that even after prayers, cries to You, reading lamentations of the Psalmist, I still struggled and couldn't pull myself up. Moments of peace seemed to come and go. I tried to say "Lord, your love is better than life."

The tough time helped me to have a glimpse of brokenness in the world (that people can feel like they are in a pit, and sometimes, even death seems slightly slightly preferable- my point is just that sometimes you feel so down and your mind is really messed up) To think that what I experienced would just be a scratch on the surface for some people who are in deep agony. It also makes me more empathic and I definitely know that this is a very good thing to come out of this. I feel that if anyone were to rant to me in the past about stress etc, I'd probably have played it down, give them a mini lecture about how all things in life are nothing compared to eternity, and we must have a bigger picture of life. Well, I experienced for myself that talking positive like that didn't work!) And that I must admit that life sucks at times, and we are so human. Sometimes, we just have to let ourselves, and others, be human. 

In the end, I still didn't feel like I, Angeline, overcame that stressful time. My memory is so bad, the turning point is a blur to me. I think it was one day while walking to work that I told God to show me His faithfulness and to help me be joyful. Somehow, He gave me His grace and my mind became a better place. To me, it feels more like God turned off the Agony Button in my life (but that He turned it on in the first place to prune me? I don't know.)

Fast forward to August 2018,  I passed my final OSCEs! Passing pre-reg is to me a bigger achievement compared to the degree aetc. But I don't want to go through it again. Mummy then came to visit me. We flew home. And now I've been back home for 4 months just waiting for my visa to come through. I've mostly been rotting at home, but some other things I've been up to:
-visit bro & sis-in law in Bangkok
-Betong 1-night trip with church (Rumah Ensudin)
-catch up with friends
-visit grandma, gugu in Sibu
-reading

It sounds like a happy time, yes it is (like our cat in the photo above again), but some things also remind me of my humanness (so I still needed reminded ey..) Many tiny little situations in how I treat people remind me that I am far from perfect. I turn to Jesus and let him wash me white as snow again.

Coming 2019, God, I pray that You help me to not be too quick with my words, to be sensitive to people when I speak. I want to grow more in maturity in Christ. Help me to be a good steward of time and money. Help me to be sensitive towards Your guidance and leading. Help me to love more. Help me to learn new skills. Take my hand and help me to take Yours.

For some other people close to my heart, may 2019 be a year of turning back to You, forgiveness, reconciliation & a fresh start.